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Karaoke Diaries: The Cast

This is probably more for my own reference than anyone else's. As I continue to write about Sunday nights at Crossword, I find myself sometimes forgetting which nickname I assigned to who. While identities will still not be revealed, here are a few random details about the people who make my Sunday nights worth drinki- er, living.

T: He's my boss. T is his actual nickname & he's one of 3 partners that own the bar, but the only one who actually works there. He's a caring, soft-hearted rock guitarist who can't enjoy the compressed sound of an mp3 & worships Gary Moore & Paul Rodgers. He drinks almost everything, even some of the shitty stuff. Once, at a Better Brands show, I described T's drinking preference as "liking the feel of claws raking down the inside of your throat." But he likes the good stuff too.

Keola: As himself. My dear music aficianado & fellow Taurus, Keola is a walking music & pop culture encyclopedia. I celebrate the days that I find I actually know something he doesn't. He's a well-known DJ at a well-known radio station, & sometimes I get text messages from him saying he's going to shoot himself in the foot if he has to play Mariah Carey one more time. Keola drinks Jack. Lots of it. When he dies, we need to get ahold of his liver. That shit is going to be delicious.

My sister. Also as herself. I'd say she's my sister, so don't fuck with her... only, all on her own she'd earn the warning not to fuck with her. If you ever meet her, you'll understand. My sis is a bad ass. Hotness has nothing to do with harmless.

Mele: My Karaoke Bitch. I've known him for hundreds & thousands of years, & I'd like to mention he's older than me but definitely less mature. KK has described his voice has having an unusually "fat" tone, & frankly Mele is one of my only friends who, every time he sings, makes me feel jealous. Yeah, I hate him. Hate him hate him hate him. The feeling's mutual. Mele drinks Stoli rocks (ew) but also appreciates various bourbon, scotch, & our beloved Corralejo (Anejo).

Mats: Another long time karaoke friend; I remember back when the only song he ever sang was "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues." Mats is a closet acoustic guitarist, collecting some rather expensive vintage items, & I'm still waiting for him to bust it out. Mats drinks Bud Light with a bucket of ice, & Grey Goose. Generally in a night he has 3 22oz BLs, 1 12oz BL, & perhaps 1 or 2 shots of Goose before he tabs out & stumbles out.

Jojo: Sweet & demure, Jojo has the voice of an angel. My favorite songs for her to sing are Mariah Carey's "Looking In" & Kelly Clarkson's "Because Of You." I wish I had a vibrato like that. I wish I had a gorgeous headtone like that. Jojo is generally reticent about singing; I don't know if it's just around me or if it's all the time. Jojo drinks Bud Light with a bucket of ice & shoots Jack. I know when to cut her off because she'll make the "Oh, fuck it all" face.

Huggyhuggy: Long time friend & fellow barfly, Huggyhuggy earned his nickname from other friends during that year we were having E every weekend. He doesn't sing that often, but is always there with his Bud Light (bucket ice) & friendly smile. He mostly hangs out at the Hut, but sometimes makes the foray to my bar.

Jiro: Huggyhuggy's BFF, the guy who taught me to sing Expose's "I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)" without my ever having to hear the original. Jiro used to sing a lot of Hawaiian & Boyz II Men, but now rocks out on Foo Fighters ("The Pretender") & various emo songs, although he vehemently criticizes the latter genre. Jiro once sat in to sing Foo Fighters' "Learn To Fly" at my gig at East Side Grill back in 2001, & sang harmony for me throughout. Jiro drinks Bud Select (gross) & Crown Reserve. Aw, too bad, we don't carry Crown Reserve.

Mr. A: Another Hut regular who sometimes defects, Mr. A can sing the Freddy Mercury part of "Under Pressure" while I sing the David Bowie part. He specializes in The Cult, Journey, & other high vocal rock, although sometimes his choices of warm-up are, imo, a little overly ambitious. He drinks Bud Light or Jack & coke.

The Saucy Pirate Boys: Mainly 2 cute, friendly, & single young guys who liberally bare themselves for me when I need a pick-me-up at work. They've come into the bar dressed as pirates & bared themselves on non-Halloween days, earning an eternal welcome Sunday nights. They sing mostly screaming songs that hurt a lot of the other regulars' ears. They drink Newcastle, Orion, Jack, & Jager. Mele can't stand them. But I don't care. They bare themselves.

Pacman: One of my best friends, Pacman is an infrequent visitor but makes the most of it when he does show. We sing "Tribute" together, & he can do a great "Love Rears It's Ugly Head." Pacman drinks a variety of things, Irish Carbombs not being the least of them.

Ari: Another infrequent but much beloved visitor. Ari can sing Amy Winehouse & Norah Jones beautifully. I love singing harmony for her because of her perfect pitch & strong, mellow voice. Her boyfriend is a studio guitarist & avid fisherman, part of my ex-husband's clique (but I adore him). Ari drinks Newcastle.

Jukebox Hero: Former singer for Loverboy (but no, not Mike Reno) & frontman of a busy local rock band, JH earned his nickname by flawless & inspiring performances of Foreigner, but my favorite song for him to sing is Jay & The Americans' "Cara Mia." JH drinks Miller Lite & Cuervo Gold, & is probably one of the funniest guys I know. Thing is, most of his stories are true.

Khorn: Named for his WoW character, Khorn was a regular at King Street Cafe who attracted my attention by his flawless renditions of Matchbox 20. We ended up actually talking after my rendition of Tool. Since then we've been great friends & leveling buddies, & shared a love for Duran Duran, Hall & Oates, Matchbox 20 (especially "Last Beautiful Girl"), & Def Leppard.

Cass: Mele's underclassmen from high school, embittered by hearing his last name shouted all the time, & former leader of our WoW guild. He insists "Cass" is a masculine name. Cass has a mellow, Phil Collinsish voice & can do John mayer quite nicely. He's definitely a whiner & a crybaby, but Mele puts him to shame & is more fun to pick on. Cass drinks Michelob Ultra (girl beer) & Jack.

KK: High tenor male diva who calls me regularly for music nerd discussion. KK has given me deep insights into the workings of my voice & helped me navigate in my efforts to improve. We also enjoy discussing Mele when he's not there. I talk to KK on the phone probably every day, sometimes 3-4 times. He's a rare spawn at the bar but when he does show Mats enjoys his "25 or 6 to 4" & I get to sing "I'd Do Anything For Love" with him. He also does the Tommy Shaw part of "High Enough" with Mele quite well. KK drinks diet coke - lots of it - & the occasional Level or Dolgoruki pres with a splash of Apple Pucker. My recipe, tyvm.

Miss J: The siren. Miss J has racked up the highest amount of guys aside-ing to me, "She's hot" & has literally been surrounded by men vying for her attention. With our similar taste in music (Belly, Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, KT Tunstall) we share a lot of common songs but have enough of a repertoire to never run out. Miss J drinks Level rocks with a Green Tea back, although for awhile she drank Grey Goose Poire.

ECW: My ex-co-worker. I hated him when I worked with him, but he seems to be a much nicer person away from work. He plays soccer & once came into the bar wearing tear-off pants (snaps all the way down the sides) with only a couple of the snaps on. Being that I am a leg woman & he plays soccer, I appreciate this kind of casualness. I wish he would wear those pants every single time I see him. He drinks a variety of beers, but mostly Orion in our bar.

Nan: Former professional singer, Nan specializes in Dusty Springfield's "Son of A Preacher Man" & Dido's "Thank You." She has a lilting, feminine voice & loves the yodeling, as in Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love." Since hooking up with another regular, JJ, Nan hasn't been visiting as often, & all I can say is, "Get some for me!" Nan drinks Michelob Ultra.

Nigel: Bass player & singer of a famous local rock band, this is the guy who wouldn't stop grabbing my sister's ass until she emptied a pitcher of iced water on him. Outspoken about the evils of females who use their wiles to cause him & his friends to pursue them, then harrass & most definitely slander if rejected, Nigel is probably one of the biggest bitches I know & I don't really have anything to do with him or his friends any more.

Misogynist: A decent singer with great taste in music with a cute, nice girlfriend that he treats, imo, like crap. She'd tag along when he came to join his friends at the bar & if there was only one extra seat, he'd take it & she'd have to sit at another table by herself, yet I'd heard reports of his jealousy when anyone spoke to her. So of course I made it a point to chat with her. Misogynist sings Elvis Costello - always a plus - & has taken shots at XTC's "Mayor of Simpleton." Misogynist drinks ales & stouts like Smithwicks or Guinness.

Carmen: My friend & former roommate. Carmen is a veteran CS player who sometimes can be persuaded to sing "Hopelessly Devoted To You," but most of the time is just there to drink Jack --- lots of it --- with a coke back.

The Beatles Guy: Long time professional guitarist & full-time accountant, TBG is one of the most animated, music loving alcoholics to grace my bar. He's a good friend & occasional bandmate of T's, & has a lot of musical opinions, many of which don't stink. TBG drinks a variety of things, including the better tequilas (Corralejo, Cazadores), various tea-type cocktails (Long Island, AMF, etc), Hendricks martinis, & all kinds of beers.

Ezra: Lead guitarist of a famous local rock/alternative band, Ezra is one of the most good-natured musicians I've ever met. He sings well & is always in a good mood. Ezra drinks Coors Light & a variety of liquors, including good tequila (Patron, Corralejo, Cazadores), Hendricks martinis, & Southern Comfort with lime.

KDJ: Our friendly neighborhood karaoke DJ. He makes it into work most nights to run the karaoke, & does a great "Heavy Metal." KDJ is one of my closest friends. He drinks Coke or Pepsi. Sometimes he gets high from too much sugar.

JJ:   Formerly a frequent flyer, JJ has a soft, soothing voice & immaculate pitch.   He loves singing harmony & specializes in 70s tunes.   He drinks Bud & Patron, & is dating Nan.

The Tone Deaf Regulars: A group of happy, friendly & drunk people whose group includes musicians from a local rock band apparently mostly known for how bad they suck. It seems that every member of this group is tone deaf or doesn't sing, & when the former do sing, customers have gotten up & closed their tabs so they could leave. These people are below average tippers (straight 15%) & hell on the ears, but their niceness makes them tolerable. Still, it's a happier night when they are at some other bar. The TDRs drink shochu cocktails, Bud Light, Guinness, & Grey Goose most nights.

Ms. Carrot Top: A tall, skeletal redhead who appeared once in the 11-2 entry & was 86'd. Hopefully we won't hear from her ever again, but just in case we do, that's her.

R&B Guy: A guy I gave my number to.   Also, he sings R&B.   Mele can't stand him.   After his 2nd visit to the bar I realized that I couldn't either.

80s Guy:   Mild mannered & friendly, this F&B guy comes in to sing Warrant, Poison, Boston, & other hair bands.   Once we had a bad smell in the bar & I had customers hold open the doors on both sides until it aired out.   When I asided to 80s guy why we were doing it, he immediately threw his hand up in the air & announced to the room that he had taken a crap in the mens room, & apologized.   Memorable.   He drinks Bud Light with a glass & occasionally shoots Black Label.

The Crazy Sisters:   Two of my girlfriends from high school, who were at least as delinquent as me &, unlike me, have great tans to show for it.   They exhibit a little Bar Tourist behavior - getting up & dancing for Modern English, acting out songs they are singing - but generally their presence is accompanied by me being sloshed (how does that work?), & so I don't mind.   They drink Coors Light, tequila, vodka, anything else I pour, & lots of water.

The Dokken Guy:   He sings "Alone Again" pretty well, although he uses an affected placement that hurts T's ear.   I don't actually notice it.   I have spoken to him once about his volume; I told him that when he hits certain notes it's a little overpowering, so if he could back up off the mic a little it would be great.   He was a great sport about it.   He drinks Bud Light.

Chronic:   My dear friend & guildmaster, who can sing Cartman like no other.   He drinks Coors Light & 151, although he prefers the Lemon Hart 151 if we have it.

P Man:    Tall, dark & handsome, P Man is a friend of the owners & generally of everyone he comes into contact with.   He's worn the Kikaida suit.   I've proposed to him at least once.   He drinks coke & Red Bull.

Kid:   One of the K Hut alcoholics who doesn't sing but cheers singers on, if they are singing rock.   He is my favorite person to have around when I am singing Pat Benatar or Sabbath.   He is also my favorite person to have around when I want to get shitfaced, because he has no fear.   Kid drinks Budweiser & Jack.

Tappy:   Khorn's close friend & former co-worker who sings the Amy Lee part of the Korn duet version of "Freak On A Leash."   She doesn't get out much, but when she does she's one of the nicest people you can drink with.   Tappy drinks Bud Light, & I wish she would sing more.

Spazz:   Drummer with a very enjoyable originals band (yes, I've gone to see them, & enjoyed them).   I get the impression that he only started singing karaoke within the last few months, & he's still finding his repertoire range.   He does Pink Floyd's "Hey You" quite well.   He drinks Jager Bombs, chilled Comfort with lime, Coke, & is a good sport about the crap I give him for drinking Raspberry Tea.

EME:   EME loves the classic rock, especially the SRV.   His nickname is from a vocal similarity he shares with a popular actor & that's all I'm going to say about that.   He drinks Miller Lite, red wine, & various teas & juices for the nights he doesn't want alcohol.

Boobilicious & Her Guy Friend:   A very pleasant, good-looking couple that came in on 3-29, drank a lot of Orion & Jager, sang a lot of songs quite decently, & got along with everyone.   Total potential regulars.  I'm so spoilt.

My Favorite 24-yr-old:   Young, dashing, &, well, young, MF24 is a busy musician (weapon of choice, bass) who does a rather awesome She Wants Revenge.   Among my favorite songs for him to sing are Dave Matthews Band's "Crush," The White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army," & Death Cab For Cutie's "I Will Follow You Into The Dark."   MF24 drinks a variety of things: Orion, Guinness, Jager, & most recently my beloved Corralejo.

Blonde1 & Blonde2:   Two lovely ladies, both good singers, whose acquaintence I first made on 4/19.2009.   Friends of T's tone deaf partner, they frightened me by being bouncy & caucasian... but turned out to be quite pleasant & likeable.   They both drank Level & soda all night.   Very good taste in vodka, there.

last updated 4/20/2009.

Obake Story: Rocks Kitchen

This one isn't as scary; it's actually kind of boring except for the fact that it's the most solid sighting I've ever had. Still, Keith shouldn't read this at night. After all, he was a regular here. See also the Scary Stuff Disclaimer.

Centuries ago I worked in a popular sports/karaoke bar called On The Rocks, which was located in a midpriced Waikiki hotel. Like many hotels, this one had had its share of jumpers & hotel room suicides (1. You don't have to pay the room service tab. 2. The maids will clean up the mess.). Our large, well-lit kitchen was quite busy producing huge piles of nachos or sizzling platter steaks with mushrooms & onions (which we served only after circling the room once, provoking subsequent steak orders) & had only 2 doors: the back door leading to the loading dock, which was locked from the inside, & the huge swinging doors which led into the loud, busy customer area. Within the kitchen were our walk-in fridge & freezer, each about 10' x 6'.

There had been some spooky stories about the kitchen from before I started working there but I hadn't paid attention. During my time there, one of our cooks took to sitting outside in the bar whenever he wasn't cooking. When I asked him why he said he refused to be in the kitchen alone unless he had to, because he sensed a presence in there & pots had flown off shelves from across the room. I thought that was pretty cool. Later one of my co-workers mentioned that 3 of them had been talking story in the kitchen when they heard someone pounding on the door from the inside of the walk-in fridge. They had immediately opened the door thinking someone had gotten locked in there, but it was empty. Again, coolness.

I worked nightly untl 4am. At 2am I would start grabbing cases of beer from the walk-in & begin my restocking (if I waited until 4 I would be there forever). One night as I was in the walk-in making a pile of beer cases, I looked up to see male figure, dressed in black, strolling right past the door. The fluorescent lights in the kitchen were very bright, & I was completely sober. The dude in black was as clear as a live person; no smoke or blurriness or music or anything.

Immediately I knew I'd seen something paranormal. The kitchen had closed at 1 & the back door had been locked since then. I'd been in & out of this kitchen to grab ice & knew it was empty. The music & noise from the bar area would have loudly & clearly announced even a fractional opening of the swinging doors.

So, that was a ghost.

"Cool," I said to myself, & I went back to my stocking.

Musubi, oh my.

I'm gonna have to visit this place.

Maybe I'm PMSing.

Poor AT&T Universal Card.   But seriously.   Fix your damn site.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Dear Universal Card Customer Service,

Every month I pay your company via your website, but this month my login information was rejected as “incorrect.”   The truth was that you were forcing everyone to re-register, but your misleading error message wasted several minutes of my time & a significant amount of my patience while I tried to figure out a nonexistent login mistake.

When I finally discovered that I needed to re-register, I attempted it.   I was not only asked for the security code on my credit card which I cut up several months ago (you guys bumped up my rates for a single, lonely late payment in I don’t know how many years of timeliness), but also a “security word.”   Another misleading turn of phrase, which had me utterly confused, thinking it was one of the answers to the multiple “security questions” I had set up when I first registered at your site: my favorite song, my pet’s name, my 1^st grade teacher’s last name, etc.   When in actuality it was the single most common, traditional word used for every banking or credit institution; so common that it’s not even called anything --- they just ask “mother’s maiden name please.”

More time & patience wasted.   Why do you want to do this to your customers?   How does wasting our time benefit your business?

When I got your CSR on the phone I was asked for a “password,” which, in utter consistency with your company’s communication skills so far, actually was the same as the “security word.”   More wasted time while I insisted I did not know of any “password,” & he then explained that it was my mother’s maiden name, & then had to explain that it was called different things depending on where you were.   I was a total bitch & probably ruined at least a few minutes of his day.   But in the end I apologized because I realized that this was not really his fault.   It’s the fault of whatever dickhead in your company that set up the various communications on your website & at your phone center.   Whoever he or she or they are either need to finish up whatever ESL courses he or she or they have left to complete, or go work for the circus where they have clowns who are actually hired to play jokes on people.

Enclosed is my payment for this month.   Your poor, unfortunate CSR & demonstrably powerless Tech Support guy are sending me a new card, with which I will re-register at your website before cutting it up again.  

I am writing to let your know that you are blocking your customers’ attempts to give you money.   Frankly I think you should refund me the postage.   Please give up the “mystery & intrigue” approach; all I wanted to do today was pay you.

Dead-Fast

This stuff works. That's all I have to say.

Crossword With A Pen.

There's Judy Garland taking Buddha by the hand
And then these 7 little men get up to dance
They say Confucius does his crossword with a pen...

When Blogchex unceremoniously collapsed, I began writing The Long Way Home again here on Blogger, but my dear friend & fellow music geek O-Dogg made himself a nest at Wordpress.

And it ate at me.

I wanted a blog at Wordpress too.

So, secretly, I started writing there. I didn't even tell O-Dogg at first. I didn't tell anyone. I just wanted to see if I liked it, see if I had other things to write about that I didn't write about here at Blogger. I made the focus music, & I started writing. I had some random visitors who cheered me on. I found that I suddenly had blog diarrhea when it came to music.

When another music geek friend Keith began publishing his own blog I got this idea. I mean, I know Keith has virtual novels to write about music; we conduct music nerd discussion probably 50 times a month. And Crossword With A Pen became a group blog. There are 5 of us, although I'm currently the only one who's got the runs.

Anyway, I told Lara once she got her bio up there I'd actually tell people about it. So here it is.

Crossword With A Pen.

Steak.

Since my regular Beef Bowl place at Palama Market closed down, I've been on the look out for other alternatives to McDonalds. Even though they've got the McRib this month. According to the Blood Type Diet, potato is no good for us Type Os, so I've got to get some distance from those evil french fries.

It was a sojourn to Foodland for my grandmother's ice cream (I'm still lactose intolerant.) that caused me to park in the Foodland parking lot, get out of my car, & then walk directly into a charcoal, spice, & beef-flavored smoke.

It's like Huli Huli Chicken. Only better; it's steak.

I wasn't hugely impressed with the steak plates we used to eat in the airport area, although it was still pretty good. However, immersion in steak-enhanced smoke is a great persuader. And, it was about time for lunch anyway.

Those steaks looked about as good as they smelled. I don't get to hibachi very often, & I'd have to say that the smell of grilling steaks is one of the most festive, happy smells I can think of.

Could these guys do rare? Absolutely they could, by request. Did I remember to arrange for the rare steak? No, I forgot. The smell was just too enticing. I can't think when I'm salivating. Also, the ice cream was melting.

Not only were these boys cooking up the food I was brought up on (this & spaghetti; it's all I can remember), but they were also frying up another favorite food: shrimp!

(Shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich.)

Turns out these guys are a completely different company from the other steak plate stands I saw at other supermarkets. Apparently all the money changing was done inside Foodland, so I went inside to order my lunch as well as interrogate the friendly guy at the Steak Table.

Ono Hawaiian Steaks has stands at various Foodlands on various days, from 10am-6pm. Their schedule is kinda crazy:

Tuesday: Beretania
Wednesday: Mililani
Thursday: Market City & Koko Marina
Friday: Ewa Beach

A steak plate, or steak & shrimp plate, is $6.50 & comes with an ice cold can of soda (Diet Coke, my elixir of life.). You can also buy a 1 lb steak by itself.

Surf & Turf for me, please.

Steak & shrimp plate obtained, I hurried outside to enjoy the sunshine & devour my delicious-smelling food. There was a table of condiments including Tabasco shoyu, but I was starving at this point. Who cared about the ice cream. At first glance I remembered I had forgotten to request my steak rare, but quite frankly the slices of beef looked great... medium.

I can't remember the last time I ate steak medium. I think it was at Morton's, & I had ordered rare. You'd think at Morton's you could get rare.

Anyway.

Under the shade of the Foodland parking lot trees, with the scent of charcoal still on the air, I sat down on a bench with my steak & shrimp & an ice-dripping can of Diet Coke.

I've been lucking out like a madwoman lately. This was awesome steak, & believe you me, I am a steakologist. It was soft, aromatic, with just enough fat. The lack of blood wasn't an issue. I could see that the beef had been heartily seasoned, but to be honest, I couldn't identify the seasoning exactly.

But it was very, very good. I'd like to learn this seasoning mix. No, they wouldn't tell me.

I highly recommend this place. The tough part is being in the right parking lot at the right time.

See you guys at Beretania Foodland on Tuesday.

I got the ice cream home ok, btw.

Chie!

Remember this? That was in May.




This is from August.






Jack & Chie are doing well; this month we had some fleas & Chie had tapeworms, but that's been handled. Not too bad. I also don't know what happened to the font option on this editor but whatever.

I continue to hate on Yelp.

Recently I got an earful from a friend who felt I was unwise to post this. Believe it or not, it actually wasn't Darren. But while my friend had good points, my beef with Yelp remains.

Nothing further has resulted from Yelp's enabling, but the very principle that this company is based on just bothers me.

Recently I joined Yelp Sucks, which is basically a bunch of business owners & employees who want to vent about how Yelp wronged them. After reading various entries, I realized that here was a bunch of people who basically wouldn't even be here if their accounts on Yelp hadn't been deleted for one reason or another. "Please take me back, Yelp; please let me post on your site," was what the site topics (Yanked Account, Deleted Reviews) seemed to say.

And here I thought I was going to meet other people who want to destroy Yelp.

So much for that.

Here's my beef:

1. No accountability=chickenshit free-for-all. Yelp! is a website where people can create an account & then write reviews about various businesses. They are identified by their first name & last initial, which means basically nothing accountability-wise.

In the case of Mary M, one of these reviewers was able to post criticism of me, identifying me by name, in a review for the bar I work in, which made obvious where I worked. Luckily for me, Mary was so unique that I immediately knew who she was from reading her "review," & frankly, the bad press was desirable to me.

I immediately told Mary I knew who she was. Faced with the unexpected accountability, Mary cordially contacted me & apologized, editing out her bad review. To be honest, I wanted her review to remain the way it was, but the fact of the matter is if Yelp! users actually had to own up to whatever they said, they might not be saying it.

I don't support the Enabling Of Chickenshitness. That's what Yelp! does.

2. Momma's skirts for the attackers, prohibition of defense from the victims. In spite of reviews which not only publicly identify employees & (obviously) their location, defense responses are not allowed. My post responding to Mary was removed for "personal attack" (heh, irony).

When I responded, I knew that any reader would know who I was & could even show up at the bar when I worked to harrass me if so desired. I have no problem with accountability, & I have no problem with being accused of "personal attack." I do have a problem with an anonymous user being protected while attacking me. That's just --- you know --- not fair.

I should be allowed to hit back.

3. How Yelp! makes money. This is what really causes me anger. After providing the common man (or stalker or fat chick, whatever) with a weapon to attack businesses with, with the other hand Yelp! offers the attack victims defense tools... for a price.

It turns out that Yelp! does allow businesses to respond publicly to these kinds of attacks... if businesses pay them. For $150/month, businesses can post responses to reviews. In the comments at this article, a business owner said that Yelp! customer service offered him the ability to remove one bad review every 6 months... for $350/month.

No doubt I'm going to get another earful for posting this, but it's one of the prices of speaking one's mind. While there are those who dislike me for it, you can't say it's not fair. There's my picture there on the right. It was taken where I work & where you'll be able to find me tonight should you care to discuss anything with me.

You can also anonymously post your grievances with anything I've said in the comments below. Personal attacks are more than welcome.

You Hungry?

The mention of You Hungry brings up tasty visions of fresh corned beef & cabbage, succulent kalua pig, & steaming shoyu chicken, all in mom-style portions with big scoops of rice. I also recall it being on the corner of Atkinson & Kapiolani, where we'd wait patiently for a parking stall because the reward would be worth it.

You Hungry has since continued the tradition of good, real food under the new ownership of Joel Cabais (son of Jay Cabais, Honolulu steak plate pioneer), his brother Donovan, & cousin Jason of Ono Hawaiian Steak. Recently You Hungry went to the streets, winning Honolulu Magazine's Best Lunch Wagon for 2008. With the help of David Hayashi, they are now implementing plans for world domination.

Seriously. You gotta try their sauces.

When my brother told me he was taking me to lunch at a lunchwagon, I was a little skeptical. My experience with lunchwagons is pretty noobish. I remember visiting one by the boats near Ala Moana Beach Park perhaps 13 years ago, a lunchwagon outside Queens Physicians Office Building with my dad & I think I've gone to Tsukenjo's once. I'm a drive thru girl when it comes to lunch, mostly due to laziness.

Still, I trust my brother.

Around 12:30 (lunchtime) we found street parking on South Street practically in front of our lunch destination, in front of which there was already a line of 5-6 people, & a few others who had already ordered, or were perhaps just bathing in the enticing smell of hot food.

Lunchwagon menu boards intimidate me. I always think I want something, & then at the last minute I decide I want something else, but I'm not entirely sold on that something else & I can't really be 100% sure that's what I actually want, but I'm already at the front of the line & everyone is looking at me expectantly. So then I order what I'd decided on initially that I wanted to change my mind about. And then after I pay I figure out what it was that I actually wanted to order. But it's too late.

Maybe that's why I go to drive thrus. Anyway.

There were already a number of items already sold out on the lunchwagon menu board. Naturally, I immediately found something I'd like to eat amongst the sold out stuff (fresh corned beef!!).

We were moving ahead in line pretty fast & I had to make a decision.

My brother informed me he was going to order the Fried Ahi Poke, reassuring me he wouldn't be able to finish the whole thing.

And so there I was, & there was only one person left in front of us in line. My brother had already decided what he was going to order, but I still didn't know.

I considered the Roast Pork with gravy, but thought that might be too flagrantly unhealthy --- I'd have to come back here alone to order that. The Garlic Chicken sounded tempting, but I wasn't in a real chicken mood, & Crab Stuffed Salmon felt a little too adventurous.

I looked again, forlornly, at the bottom of the menu board where "Fresh Corned Beef w/ Cabbage" sported a little note saying "OUT." I thought of a few reasons why I didn't need to have Corned Beef for lunch today.

And then we were at the front of the line & the guy in the lunchwagon was looking at me.

My brother had ordered his Fried Ahi Poke, & was looking at me.

My mind went completely blank. I didn't know what I felt like eating. Everything sounded good. They were out of fresh corned beef. Ooh, Pork Adobo.

"I'll have the Hamburger Steak please," I said. "All rice. Brown rice. Thank you." Sheesh, I'm such a dork. I didn't even let him tell me I could have toss, but if I'd been a lunchwagon connoisseur I'd have known that tossed greens is a common plate lunch option.

Well, I handled that well.

Our plates came & we set up on the picnic table next to the wagon.

My brother had gotten me a small sample of You Hungry's secret recipe Sweet Wasabi sauce. Whoa.

I've had wasabi/mayo dressings that went well on burgers & wasabi/miso dips that added color to seafood, but this sauce was pure happiness just by itself. As I've said in other blogs, I'm not the huge sauce person; I like my food plain with minimal seasoning.

But this sauce tasted winz just on the tip of my finger. I was too busy enjoying the bright, expansive flavors to even try to deconstruct what I was tasting.

You could put this stuff on anything. Ok, maybe not ice cream. Worth a try anyway, though. It was good.

My brother's Fried Ahi Poke looked & smelled so good that I immediately felt like a loser. The chunks of ahi were soft & perfectly cooked, seasoned with some enchanting citrus flavor. If only I could order this by the bucket & take it to the bar!

Obviously my brother had been here before!

Resignedly I turned to my panic-ordered hamburger steak.

As I lifted the condensation-drenched lid I was greeted with the smell of rich, homemade brown gravy & beef. My hamburger steak was tender, meaty, & swimming in delicious gravy. I'm proud to say that I didn't make it through the rice. But that hamburger steak disappeared in its entirety.

That was really good. I made a good choice after all.

Either that, or there are no bad choices.

Monday thru Friday, 10am-1:30pm
Two locations: South & Halekauila, Alakea & Beretania.

Obake Story: Benizuru/Kagami's

Hey, this is going to be a firsthand ghost story so if it's late at night & you get spooked easily, save it for tomorrow. I'm talking to you, Keith. See also the Scary Stuff Disclaimer.

In 2002 my then-husband (Dean) & I opened a small bar in Kaimuki called Pub Kagami. This was the same spot which Dean & I had frequented for years before we became the new owners; back then it was Benizuru, run by husband & wife team Derek & Rika. I had commented to Dean how nice it would be to have a bar just like this one, & when a few years later Derek & Rika moved out, we jumped at the chance to move in. We (well, Dean) spent 5 months remodeling the entire interior, opening in March 2002 with great hopes & a bit of exhaustion.

I was there every day, the happy bar owner, as early as 2pm, & often while I sat in the bar doing paperwork late afternoons I would see a young man with brown hair standing in a certain spot of the bar, just in front of the hallway leading to the restrooms. He simply stood there; he never looked at me or moved, although he would be gone once I blinked.

He didn't bother me, so I never thought much of it.

In 2003 Dean & I split up, amicably, & I left my marriage & my bar, taking only the Playstation with me (I had just bought Qbert). I did come back, after a year, to help out once a week, & that was when Dean told me about the Glass O' Beer tradition. Apparently the bar had a paranormal visitor who could make the tvs & speakers go crazy, who, according to the janitor, made regular rounds to the other businesses in the building. As had been suggested to him, Dean would pour a glass of beer & set it in the corner of the bar, & amazingly (it had been witnessed by others as well), that seemed to calm the electronics down.

I was skeptical, not because I don't believe in ghosts, but mainly because I don't believe in people. But I humored the new bar tradition. I ended up leaving again, but when I came back in 2006 to help the new owners who had bought the bar from Dean out, I was informed that the Glass O' Beer was still observed, although sporadically.

Although I never saw my young man of the afternoons (my shift started at 8; that might be why), I did see shadows in the bar that appeared to be more than ocular spectres in a dark room, mostly in the area of the dartboards, which were a few feet from my young man's spot. I never bothered with them much until one night I had 3 sightings, which I thought unusual, & when I asked my boss if he had set out the Glass O' Beer recently he didn't know. I checked & found it moldy. I poured a new one.

However, the spirit(s) seemed to only get bolder. In the bar one night playing megatouch I was tapped, rather briskly, twice. Both times I turned around to see that no one in the bar was anywhere near me. I found that annoying. Even more annoying was hearing my name shouted on busy nights, & having to stop whatever I was doing to scan the faces in the room for whoever was trying to get my attention.

One night in the kitchen I was startled by a large, dark-skinned man who stood by the entrance glaring at me. I went back to washing dishes, & looked up to see him again. And then again. While ghosts of themselves don't bother me a whole lot, the glaring did. A couple of customers glanced through the kitchen door at me when I said "Dammit!" the 3rd time. I finally hissed to the empty air, "Stop it!!" & marched out of the kitchen. I never saw him again.

My sister mentioned to me that she had funny feelings, like she was being watched, in the women's restroom. My friend Joy also had a minor scary moment when the restroom lights went off & wouldn't go back on for her. When I went to investigate they turned right on. Dancing Frog action.

I ran into Derek & Rika at Sorabol one night. I didn't want to sound like a neurotic little girl but I had to ask them if they had ever had any obakes in the bar.

"Oh yeah," Rika immediately said. She looked at Derek. "Remember? The young man." She also mentioned an old man who frequented the main seating area (which would have been re-modeled as our dartboard area) & a big man with "scary eyes." I told her about the shoulder tapping & she said that female customers had reported that to them during Benizuru's reign. Apparently the male ghosts in the bar enjoyed having women around. Made sense.

Last year the 808Ghosts team came by to see if they could find anything to document; recording-wise it was rather fruitless but their occult specialist/psychic had a lot of observations, including a confirmation of a presence in the women's restroom. I ended up joining their team, although since deleting my MySpace I've been out of the loop. And... I just checked out the new site; looks like I'm off the team. Meh, easy come easy go. =)

Since then it's been pretty quiet except for a few incidents that are probably coincidences. Maybe the obakes didn't like being outed. The building is still active, though... a couple of months ago I saw mounds of rock salt in the doorway of one of the other businesses.

Try beer, guys.

The Sitemeter Internet Explorer Blogger Crash!!

Today I attempted to visit this blog so that I could then jump to the various reads in my blogroll since, like any intelligent person, I use my blog's blogroll to archive links instead of my Favorites or Bookmarks. Yeah, shut up.

But then I couldn't; Internet Explorer shut me down every time I tried. A quick visit to Blogger's Help Group revealed the issue: if you employ Sitemeter at Blogger you will not be able to view your blog via Internet Explorer. Neither will anyone else.

Sitemeter's about to launch a multi-server upgrade & so that's probably why it's all glitchy. Whatever. Anyway.

Most support forums you visit will immediately advise you to avail yourself of their SEARCH feature to find relevant topics to help yourself with. It's kind of like reminding your incontinent grandmother to use the restroom before getting into the car for the cross-country road trip. Keeping all relevant discussion about a specific issue in the same thread is actually pretty important to the effectiveness of a support section. As was demonstrated by the dozens of threads --- sometimes up to 5 in a row --- at Blogger's Help Group (in fact, in 3 different sections of the Help Group), all about the same thing.

I was pretty impressed with the misuse of question marks: HOW did you remove it...SITEMETER or Blogger won't let me on..always get the IE message???? YIKES.... Deby Were people really this panicked? And how many sentences did Deby connect together with the little dots? Her username is "yesipray." Well, I guess He doesn't mind her grammar so who cares.

The other thing I noticed is that a lot of bloggers can't spell. One blogger wrote:
I to am having the same problem, I thought someone hacked my site through comments... so it definatly is a blogspot issue?

Yikes. I wanna go check out this guy's blog!! I bet it has all kinds of cool information about clubs & stuff.

Since I checked the Blogger Help Group this afternoon the piles & piles of threads about the same issue have grown into dozens of pages. It's amazing that people don't see the blue lines saying "Internet Explorer Can't Open My Blog" "Cannot Get To My Blogs" "Internet Explorer Cannot Open The Internet Site" while they are scrolling down to the Post Your Question button at the bottom of the page. How can they miss all this?

My only solace is that I did see a lot of posts in which there were no spelling or grammatical errors. There were actually a lot of literate people there on Blogger. That means there are actually a lot of literate people out there in the world.

But not enough, probably.

Incidentally, I removed Sitemeter from my page & now it's all good.

The end.

Scary Stuff: The Disclaimer

Over the next few months I'm going to start posting a series of firsthand obake stories, maybe a few secondhand ones. Only some of them are actually scary, but the label will be "Scary Stuff."

From the hovering purplish thing in my room when I was 4 & the "thing" in the neighbor's mango tree when I was 7 to the voices calling my name in 2008 I've never really taken these things that seriously (Well, I might take these voices seriously because it's screwing up my sleep; anyone know any good exorcists?). They made interesting stories, & that's all these will be: interesting stories.

Recently a friend & I sat down & traded ghost stories, & I found that I had difficulty remembering some details that had never eluded me before. Now, due to various aspects of my past, I acknowledge large chunks of my life have been sucked into the void of senility (I'd list them but I can't remember their existence, much less their names.). Let's not let this happen to the fun stories!

Since childhood I believed in ghosts. My imaginary friend, Hermaine (pronouced Herman) was a ghost, & he was great company. I couldn't tell you what he looked like, but my grandmother's favorite story is how I made her move because she was "sitting on Hermaine."

So I started life out with good experiences.

I also believe that there are a lot of coincidences. And on top of that I acknowledge that I probably can't differentiate the 2 accurately 100% of the time.

These are just stories. What's cool is that they actually happened to me, or to the person who related them to me. I'm just writing them down because, since Alzheimers runs in my family, I should probably write them down somewhere.

Lions & Tigers

Holy crap.

I love my job.

I already love my job, but some days I really love my job.

A quote from House MD

"Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere & therefore degrading?

"Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all mind-numbing social niceties."

Season 3, Episode 4

The Month Of Stupidity?

Is it the prologue to The Marching Morons?

The Drive Thru at McDonalds. The total is $10.68, my mom hands the cashier a twenty but a second later finds she has the 68 cents. The cashier looks at her sadly & says, "But I already rang it in." My mom interrupts my "So do some math" retort with, "Kids these days aren't taught how to think." And she's a teacher, so I guess she would know.

Yelp.com. My name & where I work gets broadcast on some website for idiots with opinions by some fat chick whose only ID is her username & when I respond to defend myself Yelp Customer Support deletes my post & bans my account citing "personal attack." Two of my friends later post benign, positive comments in support & are deleted & banned as well, for "fraud," we think because they both posted from the same computer.

Representative Ted Poe. I receive an email entitled "A MUST WATCH!!! Wow...what an eye opener!" which turns out to be nothing but proof that you don't have to be smart or even have smart researchers to be a politician in Texas. This moron starts by grossly exaggerating a practically nonexistent health risk & ends by accusing China of conspiracy against the US via light bulbs. But what's even more stupid than this is that people believe this crap & then forward it to others. As soon as this guy started talking he sounded just what I imagined an idiot would sound like. Don't tell me no one else heard that.

One of our stupid patients. This girl won't pay her bill because even though she's got a deductible, she insists that if we just "keep on sending in claims" the insurance company will eventually pay it. And then I had the audacity to explain to her what a "deductible" means --- as if she were stupid or something! This is the girl that a few years ago called to complain about her bill... except that she had opened her mother's mail & had apparently been unable to read the name printed at the top of the bill or on the front of the envelope.

It seems to me sometimes that I live in a little cocoon of naivete, thinking stupidity is the anomaly & that "normal" people are at least of "normal" intelligence, but maybe my standards are too high. I left one of my quite lucrative jobs in 2004 solely because I couldn't handle regular exposure to stupidity there, yet the oddball at that place was me.

But is the world actually stupid? And to survive do I need more tools to deal with stupidity? Is idiocy something that I'm going to have to accept if I want to go on living? Is dysgenics here to stay?

These are serious questions. I don't know if I can do it. I just don't. I've considered that maybe it's because, in high school, I gave up tv. I didn't want to be controlled by it, & so I boycotted it (exceptions: Twin Peaks. Ally McBeal. Sex & The City. And for the record, I hate Friends.). But maybe I should watch tv. Maybe it'll teach me how to say things more nicely, or at least more effectively to the rest of the world, which is probably fairly effusively tv-watching. Maybe I'll be able to relate to other people instead of considering them blithering idiots that should be spayed or neutered.

I watched 3 episodes of House.

Michael Turner

Passed away last night. Fuck.

Yelp! reviewers.

Sign up at Boorah instead. I read a comment somewhere that Yelp's user networking is more like MySpace than anything else, & the level of membership is about as mature. I'd have to agree based on my experience so far. It's a website where anyone with an asshole (or an opinion) can take a cheap shot & not be held accountable for it. It might be a statement about the quality of people nowadays, or maybe it's just a case of a pile of shit attracting flies.

Oh, Mary M.

It would appear I've got a fan. Today I heard that at a website called Yelp ("Real people. Real reviews.") someone named Mary M. was bashing my stellar bartending service.

I took a look:

This is a fun little hole-in-the wall kind of neighborhood bar that is nothing like Cheers or Murphy's or O'Tooles. It is very low-key, very small and the bar has a nice collection of rock karaoke songs.

If you live in Kaimuki, this is a fun place for you to experience. I wish I could own a little neighborhood bar like this! Seems like everyone pretty much knows each other and when you step into the bar it feels like you've walked into a private party - but they don't mind you hanging with them.
Have fun - and sing a little Slayer for me, would ya?

*added June 1*
Maybe I spoke too soon about how cool this place was? LOL
Actually, it still is a cool place, and the people are friendly - there's just one little thing that bugged me about the bar.....and that is a bartender there named Lauren.

Now, I'm going to try to be fair, and not too mean, but I'll just tell y'all what happened one night when I was sitting at the bar and our fair bartender Lauren walked in to start her shift.

She was sulky, and rude, and didn't seem to care if we wanted to order drinks. She was more interested in singing karaoke songs and perfecting her dour look. Any time we ordered a drink, she looked like we were putting her out. Then, to top it off, when my friend asked if they had a particular song she said "no, we don't have that song here. We don't have those kinds of songs. You can go to the bar around the back - they have songs like that."
Now, let me just say, we know they have that song there, because my friend had sung it there before. So...

WTF?

And, she basically told us to go next door because the song we wanted didn't measure up to her lame "cool" standards.

Here's the deal, people go to a bar to have a few drinks, unwind, have a good time. Do they really need to deal with such a bad attitude? Lauren, lighten up. Have fun, smile a little and don't give people a hard time when they just want to unwind and have some fun.

Yeah, I responded.

Hey Mary M - I know exactly who you are. You guys were special.

I'm so sorry we didn't have "Mack The Knife" in our book. We've added around 900 songs, old & new to the new computer system over the last few months & the book doesn't get updated immediately. But that's where my apologies end. I had asked you & your friend if you were ok several times & was denied to the point where I felt perhaps you only wanted to be served by Terrence, who had gotten your first round of drinks. I said nothing as you discussed me with eachother, never saying anything to me even though I was standing right in front of you. And when your friend was unable to find his "Mack The Knife" in our book, I explained that although we might not have it, any other bar --- including Aloha Lounge immediately behind us --- would have that song. Quite different from telling you to leave. If I wanted you to leave, trust me: I would have told you to.

Our karaoke list has been painstakingly & intensely compiled over a period of 10 years. When we first opened Pub Kagami, my ex-husband & I passionately wanted to host a bar with hard-to-find rock songs like Sabbath's "Heaven & Hell" or Benatar's "Promises In The Dark." As your friend raised his voice insisting that he had sung it before, I found myself puzzled about the upset. Is it the only song he knows?

Then you 2 were openly upset that your song cost you $1. When you stiffed me I wasn't surprised. Not because I felt I deserved to get stiffed, but because it was obvious what kind of people you were.

When you came in a couple of weeks ago with your friends you never said a word to me; I waited on your group & everything seemed fine, & I certainly didn't hold a grudge but obviously you did. I'm glad you found a public channel to vent, but frankly honey, feel free to come back in & say it to my face. And you don't have to "try to be fair." lol

A word about my service. I'm your bartender. I get your drinks. It's not my job to like you. It's not my job to PRETEND I like you. We're a small bar & we've got 5 tables --- that means no room for jerks. And frankly there are PLENTY of people who are quite pleasant.

I don't need you, Mary.

As I said, I know exactly who this woman is. I remember her quite clearly, because she & her companion were total pieces of shit. Maybe they were expecting to sit on a bar where the bartender will lick your toes if you treat her like a peon. Or maybe they didn't like the way I looked. I did hear the sarcastic comment about my being "sexy." They said it like it was an offense. But realistically, every once in awhile people just don't like eachother, & the reason is not always obvious.

Anyone in the service industry knows what I'm talking about. Sometimes people just hate you as soon as they see you. Sometimes you hate them as soon as you see them. At my job, it's a rarity, but hey --- it does happen. It's fine by me.

As for me being a dick, I'll say it: I'M GUILTY. Oh yes, I can be a dick. An unapologetic dick. Do I have a bad attitude? Hell yes. Do people still have a great time when I'm working? Absolutely. It's because I'm not a dick to them. And why am I not a dick to them? Because they weren't dicks to me.

This is the 2nd Bar Stories post I've made, & so far 2 out of 2 are about repulsive customers. I don't want to mislead you; 9 days out of 10 all I ever deal with are great customers. I remember Mary M quite clearly --- & so does Terrence --- because she was atypical. We're really blessed at our bar to have the kind of clientele that we do. Cool people. Nice people. Down-to-earth, mature people. Events like this one are anomalies.

Based on her review of Side Street Inn I'd guess that the servers there didn't like her either.

When I don't like someone, I don't try to pretend otherwise. It's not my job to like everyone, although I'll still get them a drink if they order one. The ironic thing about people like Mary M, who can't be pleased, is that they really have a hand in their own experience by pissing me off. Be a dick to me, & I can tell you exactly how I'll respond. Decide that I'm a piece of shit, & I'll be happy to validate your experience for you.

Later, Mary M actually messaged me on Yelp. I guess when the safety of internet anonymity isn't working, there's a sudden urge to be nice. I hate when this happens.

Lauren,
Several people here on Yelp! emailed me regarding your review. Looks like I obviously upset you a great deal. I'm sorry for the bad review that I wrote, but I was so angry the night I left 9th Avenue. I had been there so many times before and never had a bad experience there until that night with you.

We ALWAYS leave more than 20% when we tip, and have always enjoyed 9th Avenue in the past. I don't know why you didn't like us, but it was obviously from the get-go that you didn't want us there. And honestly, as a bartender/hostess it is a big responsibility of yours to make your guests feel welcome and appreciated. I think you don't quite understand what an important role your job is.

I feel that my review was honest and concise, but if it will make you feel better I will edit my comments. It's been a long time since the incident and I'm willing to move on.

Don't worry, I know this is bullshit. "It's been a long time since the incident" but her flamer edit was June 1st, probably right after the last time she & her friends came in --- it was probably then that she did her detective work so that she could write about me. The ironic thing is that it was a fun night. But naturally events like that aren't valid when someone's got an axe to grind.

And of course I wrote back to her. Sorry, it's a long one.

Hi Mary - I'd appreciate if you left your review as is, especially if you feel it was honest. My response was honest also. Our discussion actually brings up what I feel are pertinent issues. I'd like to think that people will read it & decide they hate me, & try to avoid coming in on Sunday nights when I work. Please feel free to spread the word that the bitch bartender with "lame" standards works on Sunday nights.

We've asked the Honolulu Weekly & other papers to NOT review us. We DON'T want publicity. We're TOO SMALL for publicity. We're a bar that was opened with a very specific crowd in mind --- the musically gifted ones. Well, & the fishermen. Because we're into fishing too.

We never wanted to have these hordes of idiots who want to yell (not sing) "La Isla Bonita" or "Sailing" 5 times a night while dancing on a chair. On bad nights Terrence literally hides in the kitchen all night because he can't take it. I, unfortunately, have to stand out there & listen to the noise pollution. Why do we have Shure 58 mics, which cost us $600 a pop (for the wireless ones, hell yeah they cost that much)? So that 10 people can yell at the top of their lungs into them? Fuck no!

Regarding my responsibilities as a bartender/hostess. Mary, if you ask any of my regulars they will tell you that I am an excellent pour, that 9 times out of 10 I have their drink ready even before they sit down, I keep an eye on them & they get their orders right away if not before they even make the order. While I can't claim such efficiency with non-regulars, I do try very hard, & even on insanely busy nights I see a lot of happy faces & receive many compliments.

Since 2002 almost every damn song in our karaoke book was picked out & put in there by me. No, we don't serve mojitos. No, we don't have little umbrellas. YES we have a lot of hard-to-find karaoke. I put it there. You like Slayer, Mary? I bought that, & I put it in our karaoke book. I didn't create a bar meant for pina coladas or cheerleading. I created a bar meant for rock. And if I have attitude about it I am unapologetic.

Can I be a dick? Absolutely. Can I be a bartender & act like a dick? Absolutely. Will people get turned off? I hope so. Because if you want to get your dick sucked then you've got to go next door to Town or something. I won't do it. I WILL get your drink, & I WILL be nice to you if you're nice to me. And if you're a dick to me, then my response to that will be quite predictable.

And I won't hold it against you the next time you come in. Those that care to get to know me will. Those that don't are free to go somewhere else where they can get a foot massage or whatever it is they want.

Also, a 20% tip is great --- if you're in a restaurant. Maybe I'm spoilt because the majority of my regulars, for 10 years, have been long-time barflies or industry people: other bartenders, cocktail servers, fine dining servers. In a bar the tipping meter is a little different. In a restaurant there is a specific routine - drinks, apps, main course, dessert, coffee - & a generally consistent service time. It's perfectly fine to tip a percentage of the tab because the tab amount is a good gauge of how much service occurred. In a bar there is no such meter. It can be crazy or barely live.

What if you sat on the bar & were monitored by your server for 4 hours, but only spent $20? A $4 tip? Are you kidding? As someone in the industry, I think you don't quite understand what an important role your server has.

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. I'm off to a certain popular sports bar. Where, I'd like to add, the mics & speakers are SO SHITTY that the owner, who is a musician, sits on my bar every Sunday because he won't sing in his own bar. And he always tips $20-$30 regardless of what his tab looks like.

I'm not mad at you, Mary. In fact, I felt bad when I first heard about your review. But then I remembered how you had behaved & figured I'd better speak up for myself. Please leave your review up there. If I look like a total bitch, then it would be quite fulfillingly accurate as well as practical.

You might really like Rene, who works on Mondays & Tuesdays. She's very sweet & quiet as well as pretty. We still have karaoke on those nights but Rene is not a musician type so she doesn't have any of the snobberies that I do. However, since we have not yet updated our book, "Mack The Knife" STILL isn't in there. You'll have to ask Terrence to manually look it up on the computer.

Bye now.

I then made one more post on the 9th Avenue Rock House page for the general Yelp community, which was of course flagged & torn down within 24 hours:

It's me again. I only made a Yelp account so I could defend myself here, so I probably won't be checking back here unless I get another flurry of phone calls telling me my honor is being besmirched or whatever.

For the record, I'd like people to know that Mary is totally right about me being a dick, & if anyone else wants to come sit on my bar then they'll have to run the risk of my unapologetic DICKNESS. If you suck, I'll usually tell you. If I didn't like your friend, I'll ask you not to bring him next time. Seriously. I'm a total dick. With "lame" standards no less.

Lucky for you people I only work on Sunday nights now, so 6 nights a week you can be waited on by Rene or Shazia, who are completely adorable & will probably still be nice to you even if they don't like you.

We use a Mackie 808M PA, Mackie speakers, & very expensive Shure 58 mics. If you look like some of the morons we get on the weekends you won't get the 58; you'll get the crappy Vocopro mic but it's really only because you wouldn't know the difference anyway & you look like you might drop it on the floor. The Vocopros are way cheaper than the Shures; we're just trying to save you some money.

I once hurt Derek Paiva's feelings by calling his positive review of our bar a "promotional attack." Well, it kind of was. He told people that our bar is a place where you can suck at singing & everyone will still love you. So as a result all these people who couldn't sing AT ALL started flooding our place. Dancing on the chairs. Pushing our regulars out.

That's only on the weekends, folks. And the thing about having everyone in the bar sing along with you? I've actually had words with parties who were screaming so loud that the customers who PAID for the song couldn't hear themselves at all. It's great if you like this song that Steph ordered, but since she paid for it LET HER SING THE DAMN SONG.

We don't have unparalleled karaoke sound equipment so that 10 people can scream into a mic. We have this great set up so that 1 or 2 people --- the people who intend to sing the song --- can scream "Ramble On" or "Dirty Deeds." Like Karaoke Hut, we actually have karaoke enthusiasts that come in because of the selection & the equipment. Unlike Karaoke Hut, we don't have room for people who want to do a Girls Gone Wild theme night.

Terrence, the owner & my boss, is so sweet & gentle that he would never suggest to someone that their singing sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I, however, will. So just remember: Sunday nights. The nasty bartender works on Sunday nights.

I'd like to thank Mary for posting her bad review. The verbal support I've received from regulars has convinced me that I'm an even BETTER bartender than I thought. I want to buy Mary a Christmas present now. I won't though.

Goodbye Yelp community! Anyone who wishes to talk smack to me can email me at Tamastara@gmail.com. If you'd like an Excel file of Reid's karaoke list that's the email to request it from as well.

This morning I got a stern letter from Sydney at Yelp User Support informing me that my "personal attack" posts had been removed. Oh, the irony!

Out there are a bunch of Yelp! subscribers who hate me. As I contemplate that, I find myself trying to care. But it's futile. There, I tried again. Nope. No luck here.

Honestly, I'm not mad at her. We've actually had pretty civil correspondence since then & she seems like a nice person, sans the internet anonymity. And so ends the Yelp! Real People, Real Reviews chapter. As well as their credibility.