Oh, Mary M.

It would appear I've got a fan. Today I heard that at a website called Yelp ("Real people. Real reviews.") someone named Mary M. was bashing my stellar bartending service.

I took a look:

This is a fun little hole-in-the wall kind of neighborhood bar that is nothing like Cheers or Murphy's or O'Tooles. It is very low-key, very small and the bar has a nice collection of rock karaoke songs.

If you live in Kaimuki, this is a fun place for you to experience. I wish I could own a little neighborhood bar like this! Seems like everyone pretty much knows each other and when you step into the bar it feels like you've walked into a private party - but they don't mind you hanging with them.
Have fun - and sing a little Slayer for me, would ya?

*added June 1*
Maybe I spoke too soon about how cool this place was? LOL
Actually, it still is a cool place, and the people are friendly - there's just one little thing that bugged me about the bar.....and that is a bartender there named Lauren.

Now, I'm going to try to be fair, and not too mean, but I'll just tell y'all what happened one night when I was sitting at the bar and our fair bartender Lauren walked in to start her shift.

She was sulky, and rude, and didn't seem to care if we wanted to order drinks. She was more interested in singing karaoke songs and perfecting her dour look. Any time we ordered a drink, she looked like we were putting her out. Then, to top it off, when my friend asked if they had a particular song she said "no, we don't have that song here. We don't have those kinds of songs. You can go to the bar around the back - they have songs like that."
Now, let me just say, we know they have that song there, because my friend had sung it there before. So...

WTF?

And, she basically told us to go next door because the song we wanted didn't measure up to her lame "cool" standards.

Here's the deal, people go to a bar to have a few drinks, unwind, have a good time. Do they really need to deal with such a bad attitude? Lauren, lighten up. Have fun, smile a little and don't give people a hard time when they just want to unwind and have some fun.

Yeah, I responded.

Hey Mary M - I know exactly who you are. You guys were special.

I'm so sorry we didn't have "Mack The Knife" in our book. We've added around 900 songs, old & new to the new computer system over the last few months & the book doesn't get updated immediately. But that's where my apologies end. I had asked you & your friend if you were ok several times & was denied to the point where I felt perhaps you only wanted to be served by Terrence, who had gotten your first round of drinks. I said nothing as you discussed me with eachother, never saying anything to me even though I was standing right in front of you. And when your friend was unable to find his "Mack The Knife" in our book, I explained that although we might not have it, any other bar --- including Aloha Lounge immediately behind us --- would have that song. Quite different from telling you to leave. If I wanted you to leave, trust me: I would have told you to.

Our karaoke list has been painstakingly & intensely compiled over a period of 10 years. When we first opened Pub Kagami, my ex-husband & I passionately wanted to host a bar with hard-to-find rock songs like Sabbath's "Heaven & Hell" or Benatar's "Promises In The Dark." As your friend raised his voice insisting that he had sung it before, I found myself puzzled about the upset. Is it the only song he knows?

Then you 2 were openly upset that your song cost you $1. When you stiffed me I wasn't surprised. Not because I felt I deserved to get stiffed, but because it was obvious what kind of people you were.

When you came in a couple of weeks ago with your friends you never said a word to me; I waited on your group & everything seemed fine, & I certainly didn't hold a grudge but obviously you did. I'm glad you found a public channel to vent, but frankly honey, feel free to come back in & say it to my face. And you don't have to "try to be fair." lol

A word about my service. I'm your bartender. I get your drinks. It's not my job to like you. It's not my job to PRETEND I like you. We're a small bar & we've got 5 tables --- that means no room for jerks. And frankly there are PLENTY of people who are quite pleasant.

I don't need you, Mary.

As I said, I know exactly who this woman is. I remember her quite clearly, because she & her companion were total pieces of shit. Maybe they were expecting to sit on a bar where the bartender will lick your toes if you treat her like a peon. Or maybe they didn't like the way I looked. I did hear the sarcastic comment about my being "sexy." They said it like it was an offense. But realistically, every once in awhile people just don't like eachother, & the reason is not always obvious.

Anyone in the service industry knows what I'm talking about. Sometimes people just hate you as soon as they see you. Sometimes you hate them as soon as you see them. At my job, it's a rarity, but hey --- it does happen. It's fine by me.

As for me being a dick, I'll say it: I'M GUILTY. Oh yes, I can be a dick. An unapologetic dick. Do I have a bad attitude? Hell yes. Do people still have a great time when I'm working? Absolutely. It's because I'm not a dick to them. And why am I not a dick to them? Because they weren't dicks to me.

This is the 2nd Bar Stories post I've made, & so far 2 out of 2 are about repulsive customers. I don't want to mislead you; 9 days out of 10 all I ever deal with are great customers. I remember Mary M quite clearly --- & so does Terrence --- because she was atypical. We're really blessed at our bar to have the kind of clientele that we do. Cool people. Nice people. Down-to-earth, mature people. Events like this one are anomalies.

Based on her review of Side Street Inn I'd guess that the servers there didn't like her either.

When I don't like someone, I don't try to pretend otherwise. It's not my job to like everyone, although I'll still get them a drink if they order one. The ironic thing about people like Mary M, who can't be pleased, is that they really have a hand in their own experience by pissing me off. Be a dick to me, & I can tell you exactly how I'll respond. Decide that I'm a piece of shit, & I'll be happy to validate your experience for you.

Later, Mary M actually messaged me on Yelp. I guess when the safety of internet anonymity isn't working, there's a sudden urge to be nice. I hate when this happens.

Lauren,
Several people here on Yelp! emailed me regarding your review. Looks like I obviously upset you a great deal. I'm sorry for the bad review that I wrote, but I was so angry the night I left 9th Avenue. I had been there so many times before and never had a bad experience there until that night with you.

We ALWAYS leave more than 20% when we tip, and have always enjoyed 9th Avenue in the past. I don't know why you didn't like us, but it was obviously from the get-go that you didn't want us there. And honestly, as a bartender/hostess it is a big responsibility of yours to make your guests feel welcome and appreciated. I think you don't quite understand what an important role your job is.

I feel that my review was honest and concise, but if it will make you feel better I will edit my comments. It's been a long time since the incident and I'm willing to move on.

Don't worry, I know this is bullshit. "It's been a long time since the incident" but her flamer edit was June 1st, probably right after the last time she & her friends came in --- it was probably then that she did her detective work so that she could write about me. The ironic thing is that it was a fun night. But naturally events like that aren't valid when someone's got an axe to grind.

And of course I wrote back to her. Sorry, it's a long one.

Hi Mary - I'd appreciate if you left your review as is, especially if you feel it was honest. My response was honest also. Our discussion actually brings up what I feel are pertinent issues. I'd like to think that people will read it & decide they hate me, & try to avoid coming in on Sunday nights when I work. Please feel free to spread the word that the bitch bartender with "lame" standards works on Sunday nights.

We've asked the Honolulu Weekly & other papers to NOT review us. We DON'T want publicity. We're TOO SMALL for publicity. We're a bar that was opened with a very specific crowd in mind --- the musically gifted ones. Well, & the fishermen. Because we're into fishing too.

We never wanted to have these hordes of idiots who want to yell (not sing) "La Isla Bonita" or "Sailing" 5 times a night while dancing on a chair. On bad nights Terrence literally hides in the kitchen all night because he can't take it. I, unfortunately, have to stand out there & listen to the noise pollution. Why do we have Shure 58 mics, which cost us $600 a pop (for the wireless ones, hell yeah they cost that much)? So that 10 people can yell at the top of their lungs into them? Fuck no!

Regarding my responsibilities as a bartender/hostess. Mary, if you ask any of my regulars they will tell you that I am an excellent pour, that 9 times out of 10 I have their drink ready even before they sit down, I keep an eye on them & they get their orders right away if not before they even make the order. While I can't claim such efficiency with non-regulars, I do try very hard, & even on insanely busy nights I see a lot of happy faces & receive many compliments.

Since 2002 almost every damn song in our karaoke book was picked out & put in there by me. No, we don't serve mojitos. No, we don't have little umbrellas. YES we have a lot of hard-to-find karaoke. I put it there. You like Slayer, Mary? I bought that, & I put it in our karaoke book. I didn't create a bar meant for pina coladas or cheerleading. I created a bar meant for rock. And if I have attitude about it I am unapologetic.

Can I be a dick? Absolutely. Can I be a bartender & act like a dick? Absolutely. Will people get turned off? I hope so. Because if you want to get your dick sucked then you've got to go next door to Town or something. I won't do it. I WILL get your drink, & I WILL be nice to you if you're nice to me. And if you're a dick to me, then my response to that will be quite predictable.

And I won't hold it against you the next time you come in. Those that care to get to know me will. Those that don't are free to go somewhere else where they can get a foot massage or whatever it is they want.

Also, a 20% tip is great --- if you're in a restaurant. Maybe I'm spoilt because the majority of my regulars, for 10 years, have been long-time barflies or industry people: other bartenders, cocktail servers, fine dining servers. In a bar the tipping meter is a little different. In a restaurant there is a specific routine - drinks, apps, main course, dessert, coffee - & a generally consistent service time. It's perfectly fine to tip a percentage of the tab because the tab amount is a good gauge of how much service occurred. In a bar there is no such meter. It can be crazy or barely live.

What if you sat on the bar & were monitored by your server for 4 hours, but only spent $20? A $4 tip? Are you kidding? As someone in the industry, I think you don't quite understand what an important role your server has.

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. I'm off to a certain popular sports bar. Where, I'd like to add, the mics & speakers are SO SHITTY that the owner, who is a musician, sits on my bar every Sunday because he won't sing in his own bar. And he always tips $20-$30 regardless of what his tab looks like.

I'm not mad at you, Mary. In fact, I felt bad when I first heard about your review. But then I remembered how you had behaved & figured I'd better speak up for myself. Please leave your review up there. If I look like a total bitch, then it would be quite fulfillingly accurate as well as practical.

You might really like Rene, who works on Mondays & Tuesdays. She's very sweet & quiet as well as pretty. We still have karaoke on those nights but Rene is not a musician type so she doesn't have any of the snobberies that I do. However, since we have not yet updated our book, "Mack The Knife" STILL isn't in there. You'll have to ask Terrence to manually look it up on the computer.

Bye now.

I then made one more post on the 9th Avenue Rock House page for the general Yelp community, which was of course flagged & torn down within 24 hours:

It's me again. I only made a Yelp account so I could defend myself here, so I probably won't be checking back here unless I get another flurry of phone calls telling me my honor is being besmirched or whatever.

For the record, I'd like people to know that Mary is totally right about me being a dick, & if anyone else wants to come sit on my bar then they'll have to run the risk of my unapologetic DICKNESS. If you suck, I'll usually tell you. If I didn't like your friend, I'll ask you not to bring him next time. Seriously. I'm a total dick. With "lame" standards no less.

Lucky for you people I only work on Sunday nights now, so 6 nights a week you can be waited on by Rene or Shazia, who are completely adorable & will probably still be nice to you even if they don't like you.

We use a Mackie 808M PA, Mackie speakers, & very expensive Shure 58 mics. If you look like some of the morons we get on the weekends you won't get the 58; you'll get the crappy Vocopro mic but it's really only because you wouldn't know the difference anyway & you look like you might drop it on the floor. The Vocopros are way cheaper than the Shures; we're just trying to save you some money.

I once hurt Derek Paiva's feelings by calling his positive review of our bar a "promotional attack." Well, it kind of was. He told people that our bar is a place where you can suck at singing & everyone will still love you. So as a result all these people who couldn't sing AT ALL started flooding our place. Dancing on the chairs. Pushing our regulars out.

That's only on the weekends, folks. And the thing about having everyone in the bar sing along with you? I've actually had words with parties who were screaming so loud that the customers who PAID for the song couldn't hear themselves at all. It's great if you like this song that Steph ordered, but since she paid for it LET HER SING THE DAMN SONG.

We don't have unparalleled karaoke sound equipment so that 10 people can scream into a mic. We have this great set up so that 1 or 2 people --- the people who intend to sing the song --- can scream "Ramble On" or "Dirty Deeds." Like Karaoke Hut, we actually have karaoke enthusiasts that come in because of the selection & the equipment. Unlike Karaoke Hut, we don't have room for people who want to do a Girls Gone Wild theme night.

Terrence, the owner & my boss, is so sweet & gentle that he would never suggest to someone that their singing sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I, however, will. So just remember: Sunday nights. The nasty bartender works on Sunday nights.

I'd like to thank Mary for posting her bad review. The verbal support I've received from regulars has convinced me that I'm an even BETTER bartender than I thought. I want to buy Mary a Christmas present now. I won't though.

Goodbye Yelp community! Anyone who wishes to talk smack to me can email me at Tamastara@gmail.com. If you'd like an Excel file of Reid's karaoke list that's the email to request it from as well.

This morning I got a stern letter from Sydney at Yelp User Support informing me that my "personal attack" posts had been removed. Oh, the irony!

Out there are a bunch of Yelp! subscribers who hate me. As I contemplate that, I find myself trying to care. But it's futile. There, I tried again. Nope. No luck here.

Honestly, I'm not mad at her. We've actually had pretty civil correspondence since then & she seems like a nice person, sans the internet anonymity. And so ends the Yelp! Real People, Real Reviews chapter. As well as their credibility.