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Karaoke Diaries: The Cast

This is probably more for my own reference than anyone else's. As I continue to write about Sunday nights at Crossword, I find myself sometimes forgetting which nickname I assigned to who. While identities will still not be revealed, here are a few random details about the people who make my Sunday nights worth drinki- er, living.

T: He's my boss. T is his actual nickname & he's one of 3 partners that own the bar, but the only one who actually works there. He's a caring, soft-hearted rock guitarist who can't enjoy the compressed sound of an mp3 & worships Gary Moore & Paul Rodgers. He drinks almost everything, even some of the shitty stuff. Once, at a Better Brands show, I described T's drinking preference as "liking the feel of claws raking down the inside of your throat." But he likes the good stuff too.

Keola: As himself. My dear music aficianado & fellow Taurus, Keola is a walking music & pop culture encyclopedia. I celebrate the days that I find I actually know something he doesn't. He's a well-known DJ at a well-known radio station, & sometimes I get text messages from him saying he's going to shoot himself in the foot if he has to play Mariah Carey one more time. Keola drinks Jack. Lots of it. When he dies, we need to get ahold of his liver. That shit is going to be delicious.

My sister. Also as herself. I'd say she's my sister, so don't fuck with her... only, all on her own she'd earn the warning not to fuck with her. If you ever meet her, you'll understand. My sis is a bad ass. Hotness has nothing to do with harmless.

Mele: My Karaoke Bitch. I've known him for hundreds & thousands of years, & I'd like to mention he's older than me but definitely less mature. KK has described his voice has having an unusually "fat" tone, & frankly Mele is one of my only friends who, every time he sings, makes me feel jealous. Yeah, I hate him. Hate him hate him hate him. The feeling's mutual. Mele drinks Stoli rocks (ew) but also appreciates various bourbon, scotch, & our beloved Corralejo (Anejo).

Mats: Another long time karaoke friend; I remember back when the only song he ever sang was "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues." Mats is a closet acoustic guitarist, collecting some rather expensive vintage items, & I'm still waiting for him to bust it out. Mats drinks Bud Light with a bucket of ice, & Grey Goose. Generally in a night he has 3 22oz BLs, 1 12oz BL, & perhaps 1 or 2 shots of Goose before he tabs out & stumbles out.

Jojo: Sweet & demure, Jojo has the voice of an angel. My favorite songs for her to sing are Mariah Carey's "Looking In" & Kelly Clarkson's "Because Of You." I wish I had a vibrato like that. I wish I had a gorgeous headtone like that. Jojo is generally reticent about singing; I don't know if it's just around me or if it's all the time. Jojo drinks Bud Light with a bucket of ice & shoots Jack. I know when to cut her off because she'll make the "Oh, fuck it all" face.

Huggyhuggy: Long time friend & fellow barfly, Huggyhuggy earned his nickname from other friends during that year we were having E every weekend. He doesn't sing that often, but is always there with his Bud Light (bucket ice) & friendly smile. He mostly hangs out at the Hut, but sometimes makes the foray to my bar.

Jiro: Huggyhuggy's BFF, the guy who taught me to sing Expose's "I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)" without my ever having to hear the original. Jiro used to sing a lot of Hawaiian & Boyz II Men, but now rocks out on Foo Fighters ("The Pretender") & various emo songs, although he vehemently criticizes the latter genre. Jiro once sat in to sing Foo Fighters' "Learn To Fly" at my gig at East Side Grill back in 2001, & sang harmony for me throughout. Jiro drinks Bud Select (gross) & Crown Reserve. Aw, too bad, we don't carry Crown Reserve.

Mr. A: Another Hut regular who sometimes defects, Mr. A can sing the Freddy Mercury part of "Under Pressure" while I sing the David Bowie part. He specializes in The Cult, Journey, & other high vocal rock, although sometimes his choices of warm-up are, imo, a little overly ambitious. He drinks Bud Light or Jack & coke.

The Saucy Pirate Boys: Mainly 2 cute, friendly, & single young guys who liberally bare themselves for me when I need a pick-me-up at work. They've come into the bar dressed as pirates & bared themselves on non-Halloween days, earning an eternal welcome Sunday nights. They sing mostly screaming songs that hurt a lot of the other regulars' ears. They drink Newcastle, Orion, Jack, & Jager. Mele can't stand them. But I don't care. They bare themselves.

Pacman: One of my best friends, Pacman is an infrequent visitor but makes the most of it when he does show. We sing "Tribute" together, & he can do a great "Love Rears It's Ugly Head." Pacman drinks a variety of things, Irish Carbombs not being the least of them.

Ari: Another infrequent but much beloved visitor. Ari can sing Amy Winehouse & Norah Jones beautifully. I love singing harmony for her because of her perfect pitch & strong, mellow voice. Her boyfriend is a studio guitarist & avid fisherman, part of my ex-husband's clique (but I adore him). Ari drinks Newcastle.

Jukebox Hero: Former singer for Loverboy (but no, not Mike Reno) & frontman of a busy local rock band, JH earned his nickname by flawless & inspiring performances of Foreigner, but my favorite song for him to sing is Jay & The Americans' "Cara Mia." JH drinks Miller Lite & Cuervo Gold, & is probably one of the funniest guys I know. Thing is, most of his stories are true.

Khorn: Named for his WoW character, Khorn was a regular at King Street Cafe who attracted my attention by his flawless renditions of Matchbox 20. We ended up actually talking after my rendition of Tool. Since then we've been great friends & leveling buddies, & shared a love for Duran Duran, Hall & Oates, Matchbox 20 (especially "Last Beautiful Girl"), & Def Leppard.

Cass: Mele's underclassmen from high school, embittered by hearing his last name shouted all the time, & former leader of our WoW guild. He insists "Cass" is a masculine name. Cass has a mellow, Phil Collinsish voice & can do John mayer quite nicely. He's definitely a whiner & a crybaby, but Mele puts him to shame & is more fun to pick on. Cass drinks Michelob Ultra (girl beer) & Jack.

KK: High tenor male diva who calls me regularly for music nerd discussion. KK has given me deep insights into the workings of my voice & helped me navigate in my efforts to improve. We also enjoy discussing Mele when he's not there. I talk to KK on the phone probably every day, sometimes 3-4 times. He's a rare spawn at the bar but when he does show Mats enjoys his "25 or 6 to 4" & I get to sing "I'd Do Anything For Love" with him. He also does the Tommy Shaw part of "High Enough" with Mele quite well. KK drinks diet coke - lots of it - & the occasional Level or Dolgoruki pres with a splash of Apple Pucker. My recipe, tyvm.

Miss J: The siren. Miss J has racked up the highest amount of guys aside-ing to me, "She's hot" & has literally been surrounded by men vying for her attention. With our similar taste in music (Belly, Tori Amos, Sarah McLachlan, KT Tunstall) we share a lot of common songs but have enough of a repertoire to never run out. Miss J drinks Level rocks with a Green Tea back, although for awhile she drank Grey Goose Poire.

ECW: My ex-co-worker. I hated him when I worked with him, but he seems to be a much nicer person away from work. He plays soccer & once came into the bar wearing tear-off pants (snaps all the way down the sides) with only a couple of the snaps on. Being that I am a leg woman & he plays soccer, I appreciate this kind of casualness. I wish he would wear those pants every single time I see him. He drinks a variety of beers, but mostly Orion in our bar.

Nan: Former professional singer, Nan specializes in Dusty Springfield's "Son of A Preacher Man" & Dido's "Thank You." She has a lilting, feminine voice & loves the yodeling, as in Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love." Since hooking up with another regular, JJ, Nan hasn't been visiting as often, & all I can say is, "Get some for me!" Nan drinks Michelob Ultra.

Nigel: Bass player & singer of a famous local rock band, this is the guy who wouldn't stop grabbing my sister's ass until she emptied a pitcher of iced water on him. Outspoken about the evils of females who use their wiles to cause him & his friends to pursue them, then harrass & most definitely slander if rejected, Nigel is probably one of the biggest bitches I know & I don't really have anything to do with him or his friends any more.

Misogynist: A decent singer with great taste in music with a cute, nice girlfriend that he treats, imo, like crap. She'd tag along when he came to join his friends at the bar & if there was only one extra seat, he'd take it & she'd have to sit at another table by herself, yet I'd heard reports of his jealousy when anyone spoke to her. So of course I made it a point to chat with her. Misogynist sings Elvis Costello - always a plus - & has taken shots at XTC's "Mayor of Simpleton." Misogynist drinks ales & stouts like Smithwicks or Guinness.

Carmen: My friend & former roommate. Carmen is a veteran CS player who sometimes can be persuaded to sing "Hopelessly Devoted To You," but most of the time is just there to drink Jack --- lots of it --- with a coke back.

The Beatles Guy: Long time professional guitarist & full-time accountant, TBG is one of the most animated, music loving alcoholics to grace my bar. He's a good friend & occasional bandmate of T's, & has a lot of musical opinions, many of which don't stink. TBG drinks a variety of things, including the better tequilas (Corralejo, Cazadores), various tea-type cocktails (Long Island, AMF, etc), Hendricks martinis, & all kinds of beers.

Ezra: Lead guitarist of a famous local rock/alternative band, Ezra is one of the most good-natured musicians I've ever met. He sings well & is always in a good mood. Ezra drinks Coors Light & a variety of liquors, including good tequila (Patron, Corralejo, Cazadores), Hendricks martinis, & Southern Comfort with lime.

KDJ: Our friendly neighborhood karaoke DJ. He makes it into work most nights to run the karaoke, & does a great "Heavy Metal." KDJ is one of my closest friends. He drinks Coke or Pepsi. Sometimes he gets high from too much sugar.

JJ:   Formerly a frequent flyer, JJ has a soft, soothing voice & immaculate pitch.   He loves singing harmony & specializes in 70s tunes.   He drinks Bud & Patron, & is dating Nan.

The Tone Deaf Regulars: A group of happy, friendly & drunk people whose group includes musicians from a local rock band apparently mostly known for how bad they suck. It seems that every member of this group is tone deaf or doesn't sing, & when the former do sing, customers have gotten up & closed their tabs so they could leave. These people are below average tippers (straight 15%) & hell on the ears, but their niceness makes them tolerable. Still, it's a happier night when they are at some other bar. The TDRs drink shochu cocktails, Bud Light, Guinness, & Grey Goose most nights.

Ms. Carrot Top: A tall, skeletal redhead who appeared once in the 11-2 entry & was 86'd. Hopefully we won't hear from her ever again, but just in case we do, that's her.

R&B Guy: A guy I gave my number to.   Also, he sings R&B.   Mele can't stand him.   After his 2nd visit to the bar I realized that I couldn't either.

80s Guy:   Mild mannered & friendly, this F&B guy comes in to sing Warrant, Poison, Boston, & other hair bands.   Once we had a bad smell in the bar & I had customers hold open the doors on both sides until it aired out.   When I asided to 80s guy why we were doing it, he immediately threw his hand up in the air & announced to the room that he had taken a crap in the mens room, & apologized.   Memorable.   He drinks Bud Light with a glass & occasionally shoots Black Label.

The Crazy Sisters:   Two of my girlfriends from high school, who were at least as delinquent as me &, unlike me, have great tans to show for it.   They exhibit a little Bar Tourist behavior - getting up & dancing for Modern English, acting out songs they are singing - but generally their presence is accompanied by me being sloshed (how does that work?), & so I don't mind.   They drink Coors Light, tequila, vodka, anything else I pour, & lots of water.

The Dokken Guy:   He sings "Alone Again" pretty well, although he uses an affected placement that hurts T's ear.   I don't actually notice it.   I have spoken to him once about his volume; I told him that when he hits certain notes it's a little overpowering, so if he could back up off the mic a little it would be great.   He was a great sport about it.   He drinks Bud Light.

Chronic:   My dear friend & guildmaster, who can sing Cartman like no other.   He drinks Coors Light & 151, although he prefers the Lemon Hart 151 if we have it.

P Man:    Tall, dark & handsome, P Man is a friend of the owners & generally of everyone he comes into contact with.   He's worn the Kikaida suit.   I've proposed to him at least once.   He drinks coke & Red Bull.

Kid:   One of the K Hut alcoholics who doesn't sing but cheers singers on, if they are singing rock.   He is my favorite person to have around when I am singing Pat Benatar or Sabbath.   He is also my favorite person to have around when I want to get shitfaced, because he has no fear.   Kid drinks Budweiser & Jack.

Tappy:   Khorn's close friend & former co-worker who sings the Amy Lee part of the Korn duet version of "Freak On A Leash."   She doesn't get out much, but when she does she's one of the nicest people you can drink with.   Tappy drinks Bud Light, & I wish she would sing more.

Spazz:   Drummer with a very enjoyable originals band (yes, I've gone to see them, & enjoyed them).   I get the impression that he only started singing karaoke within the last few months, & he's still finding his repertoire range.   He does Pink Floyd's "Hey You" quite well.   He drinks Jager Bombs, chilled Comfort with lime, Coke, & is a good sport about the crap I give him for drinking Raspberry Tea.

EME:   EME loves the classic rock, especially the SRV.   His nickname is from a vocal similarity he shares with a popular actor & that's all I'm going to say about that.   He drinks Miller Lite, red wine, & various teas & juices for the nights he doesn't want alcohol.

Boobilicious & Her Guy Friend:   A very pleasant, good-looking couple that came in on 3-29, drank a lot of Orion & Jager, sang a lot of songs quite decently, & got along with everyone.   Total potential regulars.  I'm so spoilt.

My Favorite 24-yr-old:   Young, dashing, &, well, young, MF24 is a busy musician (weapon of choice, bass) who does a rather awesome She Wants Revenge.   Among my favorite songs for him to sing are Dave Matthews Band's "Crush," The White Stripes' "Seven Nation Army," & Death Cab For Cutie's "I Will Follow You Into The Dark."   MF24 drinks a variety of things: Orion, Guinness, Jager, & most recently my beloved Corralejo.

Blonde1 & Blonde2:   Two lovely ladies, both good singers, whose acquaintence I first made on 4/19.2009.   Friends of T's tone deaf partner, they frightened me by being bouncy & caucasian... but turned out to be quite pleasant & likeable.   They both drank Level & soda all night.   Very good taste in vodka, there.

last updated 4/20/2009.

Obake Story: Rocks Kitchen

This one isn't as scary; it's actually kind of boring except for the fact that it's the most solid sighting I've ever had. Still, Keith shouldn't read this at night. After all, he was a regular here. See also the Scary Stuff Disclaimer.

Centuries ago I worked in a popular sports/karaoke bar called On The Rocks, which was located in a midpriced Waikiki hotel. Like many hotels, this one had had its share of jumpers & hotel room suicides (1. You don't have to pay the room service tab. 2. The maids will clean up the mess.). Our large, well-lit kitchen was quite busy producing huge piles of nachos or sizzling platter steaks with mushrooms & onions (which we served only after circling the room once, provoking subsequent steak orders) & had only 2 doors: the back door leading to the loading dock, which was locked from the inside, & the huge swinging doors which led into the loud, busy customer area. Within the kitchen were our walk-in fridge & freezer, each about 10' x 6'.

There had been some spooky stories about the kitchen from before I started working there but I hadn't paid attention. During my time there, one of our cooks took to sitting outside in the bar whenever he wasn't cooking. When I asked him why he said he refused to be in the kitchen alone unless he had to, because he sensed a presence in there & pots had flown off shelves from across the room. I thought that was pretty cool. Later one of my co-workers mentioned that 3 of them had been talking story in the kitchen when they heard someone pounding on the door from the inside of the walk-in fridge. They had immediately opened the door thinking someone had gotten locked in there, but it was empty. Again, coolness.

I worked nightly untl 4am. At 2am I would start grabbing cases of beer from the walk-in & begin my restocking (if I waited until 4 I would be there forever). One night as I was in the walk-in making a pile of beer cases, I looked up to see male figure, dressed in black, strolling right past the door. The fluorescent lights in the kitchen were very bright, & I was completely sober. The dude in black was as clear as a live person; no smoke or blurriness or music or anything.

Immediately I knew I'd seen something paranormal. The kitchen had closed at 1 & the back door had been locked since then. I'd been in & out of this kitchen to grab ice & knew it was empty. The music & noise from the bar area would have loudly & clearly announced even a fractional opening of the swinging doors.

So, that was a ghost.

"Cool," I said to myself, & I went back to my stocking.

Musubi, oh my.

I'm gonna have to visit this place.

Maybe I'm PMSing.

Poor AT&T Universal Card.   But seriously.   Fix your damn site.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Dear Universal Card Customer Service,

Every month I pay your company via your website, but this month my login information was rejected as “incorrect.”   The truth was that you were forcing everyone to re-register, but your misleading error message wasted several minutes of my time & a significant amount of my patience while I tried to figure out a nonexistent login mistake.

When I finally discovered that I needed to re-register, I attempted it.   I was not only asked for the security code on my credit card which I cut up several months ago (you guys bumped up my rates for a single, lonely late payment in I don’t know how many years of timeliness), but also a “security word.”   Another misleading turn of phrase, which had me utterly confused, thinking it was one of the answers to the multiple “security questions” I had set up when I first registered at your site: my favorite song, my pet’s name, my 1^st grade teacher’s last name, etc.   When in actuality it was the single most common, traditional word used for every banking or credit institution; so common that it’s not even called anything --- they just ask “mother’s maiden name please.”

More time & patience wasted.   Why do you want to do this to your customers?   How does wasting our time benefit your business?

When I got your CSR on the phone I was asked for a “password,” which, in utter consistency with your company’s communication skills so far, actually was the same as the “security word.”   More wasted time while I insisted I did not know of any “password,” & he then explained that it was my mother’s maiden name, & then had to explain that it was called different things depending on where you were.   I was a total bitch & probably ruined at least a few minutes of his day.   But in the end I apologized because I realized that this was not really his fault.   It’s the fault of whatever dickhead in your company that set up the various communications on your website & at your phone center.   Whoever he or she or they are either need to finish up whatever ESL courses he or she or they have left to complete, or go work for the circus where they have clowns who are actually hired to play jokes on people.

Enclosed is my payment for this month.   Your poor, unfortunate CSR & demonstrably powerless Tech Support guy are sending me a new card, with which I will re-register at your website before cutting it up again.  

I am writing to let your know that you are blocking your customers’ attempts to give you money.   Frankly I think you should refund me the postage.   Please give up the “mystery & intrigue” approach; all I wanted to do today was pay you.

Dead-Fast

This stuff works. That's all I have to say.

Crossword With A Pen.

There's Judy Garland taking Buddha by the hand
And then these 7 little men get up to dance
They say Confucius does his crossword with a pen...

When Blogchex unceremoniously collapsed, I began writing The Long Way Home again here on Blogger, but my dear friend & fellow music geek O-Dogg made himself a nest at Wordpress.

And it ate at me.

I wanted a blog at Wordpress too.

So, secretly, I started writing there. I didn't even tell O-Dogg at first. I didn't tell anyone. I just wanted to see if I liked it, see if I had other things to write about that I didn't write about here at Blogger. I made the focus music, & I started writing. I had some random visitors who cheered me on. I found that I suddenly had blog diarrhea when it came to music.

When another music geek friend Keith began publishing his own blog I got this idea. I mean, I know Keith has virtual novels to write about music; we conduct music nerd discussion probably 50 times a month. And Crossword With A Pen became a group blog. There are 5 of us, although I'm currently the only one who's got the runs.

Anyway, I told Lara once she got her bio up there I'd actually tell people about it. So here it is.

Crossword With A Pen.